On those infrequent occasions where I ask God to speak to me, the first thing he always says is "I love you." And that's usually it. And it's never what I'm looking for, it's never enough. I'm always hoping for an answer to a question or guidance. Some people tell me to make decisions with the reasoning and heart God has given me, and that will be His will, and others say that with enough faith God will actually show me His will; He is not a God of riddles. I've been trying to figure this out for years, and I'm no closer to an answer. He has come right out and told me the big things in the past, so shouldn't I expect the same now?

I do my best to soak in the "I love you"s. Not only is the actual thought comforting, but being told a certain truth has comfort in and of itself. Truth is special that way, it pierces the shields we have put up to communications. Someone once told me the two most important things are truth and beauty, and when I think about it, what love really is, is truth and beauty.

If truth and beauty consume my life ...

Eternally Spotless

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is a movie I love. I think my favorite part of the movie is the ending, and its because the last line -"and I'm going to get bored of you etc." "Ok." "Ok?" "Ok." - is one of the simplest and clear portrayals of grace in any movie. What is grace but complete loving acceptance of the flaws in another, and willingness to proceed in relationship regardless.

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I saw V for Vendetta last night. (If you haven't seen it there might be spoilers coming up) Also a great movie. I need movies like that pretty often to inspire me to hope for a justifiable ambition in my life. To find something worth living for and embrace it. The idea of having to choose between love and a mission was a new one, or at least a more severe presentation of it. I usually like to think I can have both, and while I expect to have to work to find a balance, I've never thought about the possibility of having to make a choice. Now that I think about it, I really don't know what I would choose. Choosing a person over a mission seems so selfish. I mean, Christ could have fallen in love, but he chose not to, and I'm guessing its because he couldn't be a husband/father and a Messiah. I don't have a messiah complex, but I do often think I am capable of great things, I like to hope I am destined for them. Were I faced with the choice would I have the faith to discern the right one and the guts to follow through?

This I know?

I'm starting to develop a theory that most of the problems with contemporary Christianity can be traced to one simple song.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...
Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, Yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.

This was one of the first pieces of music I ever learned. Why do we teach our children that the Bible was the primary evidence of Christ's love?

If one Christmas my Grandmother gave me a letter telling me that girl I'd heard of but never met loved me, and the letter itself was written by a friend, I'd probably go to yellow pages for a lawyer rather than a chapel.

The Bible is great, but a relationship based purely on the written word will be stale and unsatisfying. It lends itself to rules and regulations rather than dialogue and emotion. Overemphasing the importance of the Bible can only take away from the importance of knowing Christ through being with Him.

What if the song said "because the sunsets tell me so". or "because the joy i get from being with my family tells me so" or "because grace tells me so". I'm not saying that Bible Belt Christians are intentionally turning kids into Republican sheep through kids songs, but I do think we need to be aware of the power the repetition of these songs, and other Sunday School devices, have in shaping the way young Christians understand their faith as they mature.

I'm still unlearning and relearning what it means to follow Christ, and the more I read the more I question the infallibility of the Bible. I grew up thinking there was no human element to scripture: God said words to His scribes and they transcibed it perfectly, because the Spirit allowed them to. For some reason God suspended free will for those scribes - they never subconsciously editorialized, never let their environments or upbringing colour their writing, and the millenia old scrolls were never altered before they were translated into the NIV, because why would a loving God give us an imperfect document to learn from.

And this is my point. This kind of thinking can be traced back to singing Jesus Loves Me. Ok, maybe not, but its an easily identifiable symptom of a culture that is scared to cast doubt on the Bible, because that makes being a Christian so much harder. Its way easier to take the Bible as the literal, complete and perfect word of God.

I believe God gave us the ability to think for ourselves and expects us to use it, and that includes a humble, trusting, but critical approach to scripture.

We talk a lot about Jesus in the emergent church. Personally, I think this is great, as Jesus is pretty awesome. I heard the term "red-letter christian" yesterday, which I guess is the extreme of this where they focus almost solely on the teachings of Jesus. I do sometimes get concerned that God and the Holy Spirit feel left out. Personally, for most (sometimes I think all) of my life I liked God better than Jesus, probably because though I have an excellent father, I figured it was God who could best make up for the things he missed. And, as horrible as it sounds, for a long time I thought Jesus' name sounded a little cheesy, not for what it is but for how it has been used. I like to think I'm past that now.

As I continue reading Mark stuff continues to bother me. Stuff that has probably always bothered me, but I'm ready to confront it now. One thing is that sometimes Jesus comes off like a bit of a jerk, or impatient. Everyone's always told me he is neither of those things, but when I read Mark 12:13-17, he sounds like it. I mean, I know its the Pharisees and they deserved it, but still. It could be that Mark neglected to add descriptors along side Jesus' words. If it read "Jesus said calmly and with patience 'whose portrait is this? and whose inscription?'" that would make sense. But when i read the passage as is I can't help but picture Him being really 'short with them' as my mom would say. it doesn't sound gentle and loving, it sounds frustrated. Like a parent who is tired of their child trying to trick them into allowing another hour of tv.

I know you can be frustrated with those you love, and there is righteous anger and it was ok for Jesus to toss some tables around and all that, but I guess I struggle in applying the lesson in this stuff the way we apply the lessons about forgiveness and the fruits of the spirit. Me, I fear being angry and upset because when I get upset I say things I don't mean and usually either hurt someone or embarrass myself. So while I don't necessarily bottle things up, for a long time I have tried to avoid getting upset. And now, as an adult, I often regret not getting more upset in certain situations, but at the same time I'm unsure because I doubt that I would have
handled it properly.

So getting upset and angry is obviously an ability that can be developed, just like being kind and forgiving. And then the stories of Jesus getting upset are probably useful in showing us the right reasons to get angry, and how to use your anger. Yet I've never heard a sermon or had a small group discussion on Christlike take-downs and fits of rage. As a church we seem to have put this in the corner because it doesn't fit with our image. But I've come to learn that anger is very healthy, because we will always encounter injustice and pride, and often the right and holy reaction is anger and quick words. I think the model of Christ shows that we will encounter these things, and we should feel these emotions, so a discussion should be brought forward about how to incorporate this reality into our walk with Christ.

Peace

I got really frustrated reading Mark last night. Jesus was sitting around, doing nothing as far as I can tell, and this woman comes in and asks for healing, and not only does he say no, but he basically calls her and her people dogs. She handles this like a champ and Jesus heals her daughter and everyone's happy.

this has never bothered me before, Jesus was sent to the lost sheep of Israel and she wasn't one of them. But this time it did. He is so callous, so uncaring, so unlike himself. I began to realize that Jesus was a man on a mission. He had to reach a certain number of people and train and develop a certain number of leaders before he died so that the gospel would not die with him.

Then I turned to Matthew and it started to make a little more sense. At first He seems even more callous. But I put the Jesus I know in the situation, and I think those moments of silence were some of the most painful of Jesus' life. The reason he can't respond to what she's asking is because he's overcome with compassion, but knows his mandate does not extend to her. When she persists he breaks down and heals her daughter.

I could be wrong about this, but its the only explanation that makes sense to me.

I wonder if God was upset. Jesus was breaking the rules. Granted, it was out of love, but if Jesus had shown compassion and love to everyone who needed it along the way, he would not have accomplished what he needed to. I think that's why He always tells people to keep quiet.

Did God ever get angry or disappointed at Jesus? When He asked God to take this cup from Him, did the Father wish Jesus had been strong enough not to have to ask? The idea of Jesus being a rebel from His father and/or a young man searching for his dad's approval is a new one for me. I'll have mull it.

I started thinking about other things. It must have broken His heart to have to leave after only three years, when he could have accomplished so much more if he'd escaped Herod's grasp and gone to another part of the world. It must have required more restraint than I possess for this oldest son to stay in a carpenter's shop for 30 years waiting to embrace His destiny. Knowing what He was capable of and being stuck with a saw and a hammer, making sure he did nothing to draw attention to Himself until he was mature and ready.

I've been thinking tonight about chaos and order. I started questioning the idea that one is better than the other, what if both are neutral? I have been taught order is good, chaos is bad, but of the two words, chaos attracts me and order repels. And I thought, I like the idea of a God of Chaos - a God who sprints through the universe throwing things every which way. Not with destructive tendencies, but rather with joyful spontaneity. With a love of change and new. With disdain for the sterile.

I like to think Jesus would be comfortable in my messy room, the way I am.

I discovered what I really want today.

Usually when I think about what it would be like to hang out with Jesus, I imagine myself in Palestine, in a foreign culture with no friends sitting on a hilltop listening to Him.

I was reading Searching For God Knows What today and Miller starts describing what the second coming might look like. A unsightly hick from Arkansas. And I imagined buying a car and driving down there and following him around, in a culture I understood with people I could relate to, and I longed for it. By imagining Him in a context I know I could conjure the feeling of being in His presence, and I wanted it more purely than I want most things. For the first time Jesus wasn't a bearded man with a strong nose in white robes with a blue sash, he was a real person.